Twilight Lullaby

I’m sorry I haven’t posted here for a while. So many weird and wonderful things (ooh, alliteration!) have happened in the last month that I could’ve blogged about, but I didn’t. Why? I honestly have no clue. The time just flew away. You know, when I started blogging again earlier in the year, I told myself that this time, the blogging was for myself, and myself alone - a record of my life. Who cares if no one reads it?

The truth is, I do.

As much as I try to convince myself that I don’t, some part of me will always want a large ‘fan’ base, comments, interaction… You know the deal. I promised myself that this time, it would be different. I’d actually put some effort into maintaining this website, after so many years of neglect. That promise I made to myself obviously failed… The first thing I had on my list was to create a layout, and I don’t see that happening any time soon, at the pace I’m going.

Several years ago, I used to put most of my time into running websites, making sure everything - translation: almost nothing - worked, affiliating with others, etc. The key thing that’s changed now is the lack of time I have. Days go by so quickly, weeks are a blur, and months fade into each other without any significance.

Hopefully, one day, I’ll be able to take this whole website malarkey seriously again. Until then, I guess I’ll have to be satisfied with performing at a substandard level, for lack of better words. I hate that, but there’s really nothing I can do to change it.

Ooh, I had fun tonight. Microblogging has made me incapable of huge thoughts at a very late time, though, so I shall gather up my Twitter stream for evidence of what happened…

1. I will leave the house at 5pm today. Time to collect my French and Saunders ticket! I’ll be sitting in AA16. SQUEE!
2. I’m in the very front row!
3. The Theatre Royal’s slogan is ‘a really useful theatre.’ How can a theatre be really useful?
4. Damn. Failed to steal chocolate from Dawn French.
5. Lenny Henry and Robin Williams are here.
6. Highlight of the night: Dawn French: [dramatic sobbing] Me: *laughing* Dawn French: “Look, Jen, that girl’s laughing! Stop laughing!”

Erm, that didn’t tell you very much about my night, did it? Oops. I’ll explain more later.

I don’t know what to do. GAH!

I has no plot any more! Help?!

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I’m going to see French and Saunders! And I now have a seat at the very front! :D

No novelling today. I’m just not in the mood. Instead, I’ll tell you about what happened to me last week…

On the 29th of October, I paid £68.25 (approximately $130) to go and see French and Saunders. I thought, “Well, you know, it’s French and Saunders, I might as well get a good seat…”
I ended up getting Row M3, which was ‘meh’, now that you think about it.
My plan was to go and see French and Saunders, have a kickass night, and microblog when I could.
It’s a shame First Great Western didn’t think the same way.
I was running slightly late, but not too late to be of concern. I got on a train going to London Paddington at Ealing Broadway at 19:33 (the show was due to start at 20:00). Normally, the train journey from Ealing Broadway to Paddington takes 10 minutes. Once I reached Paddington, it would have also taken me 15-18 minutes to get to Piccadilly Circus station on the Bakerloo Line, and change for Covent Garden. These figures are all taken from the TFL Journey Planner, btw.
I was cutting it a bit close, but I would have made it in the nick of time, and at most, would have been 5 to 10 minutes late. I wasn’t bothered by that.

Halfway to Paddington, the train stopped, because there was another freight train in front of us. 5 minutes went by, then 20, then 30. The driver only gave us two updates in the 38 extra minutes that we were stuck in a tunnel, getting me more panicked by the minute (and with good reason, as I later found out).
By then, I was in tears, not just because I was hopelessly late, but because I had phoned the Theatre Royal, but as I had bought the tickets off Ticketmaster, I had to phone them. As luck would have had it, Ticketmaster had a strict no refunds/exchange policy, no matter what the circumstances were. I’ve never had any problems with Ticketmaster and their tickets before, but I knew that arguing with them would be hopeless. I realised that I had spent almost £70 on a ticket to a show that I wasn’t even going to get to see. This is where I’d like to say that the people on the train were awesome. They gave me tissues and talked to me, and if I ever meet them again, I need to give them a massive hug.
It was 20:21 when I got off that train at Paddington, making it 38 minutes late (the arrival time was supposed to be 19:43). Add 10 minutes on for the time the journey was supposed to take, and I realised that I had spent 48 minutes in that train. I knew I had also completely missed the first half of the show - the first half would be over by 20:45, and the 15-18 minutes that it would take me to get there would mean that I would arrive in time for the interval, if at all.
Speaking with First Great Western did not help either. All they could offer upfront as compensation was the cost of my travel. As I’m a ‘child’, I get drastically reduced rates for travel, so the journey from Ealing Broadway to Paddington was 50p. 50p for being stuck in a train for almost an hour seemed like a slap in the face to me. “They were not responsible for consequential losses,” according to the snobby call centre worker. If I wanted to appeal for more, i.e. the cost of my F&S ticket, I would have to send them proof of the ticket, along with a long letter about why I wanted them to pay up.
… Which leaves me where I am now. Part of this post will make up my letter to them. There is no guarantee that I will get my money for the ticket back, although I certainly feel that they should cover it, seeing as I would have been on time if it wasn’t for them.

There’s a final part to this story. After speaking with First Great Western and screaming in frustration, I had to go and get my ticket from the box office, didn’t I?
I arrived right in the middle of the interval, where everyone was milling around, talking excitedly about the show.
The theatre staff gave me my ticket, if I promised to go and see the second half of the show, as ‘they were not sure if I’d be able to get my money back’. They were right, and I knew this also, but I was not in the mood for comedy, whether I had paid for it or not. In retrospect, I know the theatre staff meant well, but when a person has spent an hour in a train, making phone calls and getting frustrated and upset, they don’t exactly want to be in a place where people are laughing all the time.
I sat there for an hour, whilst everyone around me was laughing. They probably thought I was a miserable old cow.

And there’s my tale. If you’d like to help me get another ticket, please(?) go to buyrammiafrenchandsaundersticket.chipin.com.

“Blah blah blah, dead body, questionably female, blah blah blah…” the Weird CSI-type Detective Who Has No Social Skills said, before attempting to do that snappy-snappy thing with his camera.

“You’re holding the camera upside-down,” one of his coworkers (The One Who Is Slightly Scared of His Boss) quipped. It was true. He was currently trying to take a picture by pressing on the lens. Git.

“So, what do you think this could be?” The One Who Is Secretly In Love With Her Boss But Thinks That All She Has Is Unrequited Love asked. The victim, like all of them in the crappy TV shows, showed no signs of struggle, and there were no obvious causes for her death. As usual, Katharine Cirrial, the victim, looked surprisingly healthy, apart from being dead, of course.

[You can tell that the author likes watching these little crime dramas, but the terminology goes straight over her head, so her attempt at her own little crime thing here will fail miserably]

“Ooh, I’ve found a tan coat!” the Annoying Favourite of the Boss yelled from behind the bush.

“DO NOT TOUCH IT!” The Boss suddenly materialised out of nowhere, grabbing the swabs and other crap out of a seemingly nonexistent bag. As he walked over to the crime scene, no one noticed that he was technically contaminating it without wearing gloves, covers over his shoes, etc., but hey, it wasn’t real life! No one was bothered!

As the crime scene investigation people moved closer and closer to the scene of the crime, they heard music coming out of the coat again…

We’re no strangers to love
You know the rules and so do I
A full commitment’s what I’m thinking of
You wouldn’t get this from any other guy

I just wanna tell you how I’m feeling
Gotta make you understand

Never gonna give you up
Never gonna let you down
Never gonna run around and desert you
Never gonna make you cry
Never gonna say goodbye
Never gonna tell a lie and hurt you

We’ve know each other for so long
Your heart’s been aching
But you’re too shy to say it
Inside we both know what’s been going on
We know the game and we’re gonna play it

And if you ask me how I’m feeling
Don’t tell me you’re too blind to see

Never gonna give you up
Never gonna let you down
Never gonna run around and desert you
Never gonna make you cry
Never gonna say goodbye
Never gonna tell a lie and hurt you

Give you up. give you up
Give you up, give you up
Never gonna give
Never gonna give, give you up
Never gonna give
Never gonna give, give you up

I just wanna tell you how I’m feeling
Gotta make you understand

Never gonna give you up
Never gonna let you down
Never gonna run around and desert you
Never gonna make you cry
Never gonna say goodbye
Never gonna tell a lie and hurt you

Never gonna give you up
Never gonna let you down
Never gonna run around and desert you
Never gonna make you cry
Never gonna say goodbye
Never gonna tell a lie and hurt you

Never gonna give you up
Never gonna let you down
Never gonna run around and desert you
Never gonna make you cry
Never gonna say goodbye
Never gonna tell a lie and hurt you

What the wannabe detectives did not know was that because the Invi Doll was not there any more, the coat was basically now just a musical tribute to Rick Astley.

[Author Note: I know I'm falling behind. I'll catch up later at the weekend]

It seems real life has got me carried away. No novelling for me tonight, but I shall persevere with my rather stupid plot tomorrow.

Stay tuned, for crime scene investigation shenanigans (i.e. failings) from Detective I-Haven’t-Named-Him-Yet!

I didn’t mean to kill her. I didn’t, honest. I just wanted to see what it would be like to actually be near a real, live, well, previously alive, human, without actually making myself known. I just wanted to see if she would be one of those, like my previous owner, a stressed out magazine columnist, who would misunderstand me and wrap me in toilet paper before flushing me down the toilet.
I floated around in the sewage for what seemed like years before some misguided plant worker thought I would make a good Christmas tree fairy, like that seemingly innaccurate story about the wooden abandoned doll (. I wasn’t abandoned; I just annoyed the people around me so much that they did not know what else to do with me. Sadly, his family did not feel the same about me (have you ever heard of a Christmas fairy with blue hair?) and threw me out again. I do not think my circuit being broken at the word “BOOB!” helped matters either. The aforementioned family had many little victims to corrupt kids.

So, there I was, lonely and abandoned on the side of the street (woe is me), when suddenly these items of human clothing appeared out of nowhere, absolutely nowhere. I took my chance and dragged myself into the tan-coloured coat. I did not want attention. Any attention would give me false hope that someone would finally understand me and my need to say “Blue lips! Yay!” every minute of the day.

Then, this strange thing happened. The clothes suddenly started making music, and terrible music at that. The music irritated me. I could feel myself being engulfed in this coat, with no way of getting out.

The smell of the human was getting closer and closer and closer, and she seemed bewitched by the very same music that so detested me.

As I struggled harder and harder against my bonds, I could feel this human slowly reach out to grab the coat…

It all happened so fast. Sparks flew out of me, literally tasering her with my grasp, and I couldn’t seem to let go. When I had finally gathered all my strength and wrenched myself away from her iron grasp, it was too late. She was dead.

D-E-A-D. Dead. Dead, dead, dead, dead, dead. DEAD!!!!!!!!!!! OMG, O-M-G, OMG, what did I just do?

The coat began to twitch again.

If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands (clap clap)
If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands (clap clap)
If you’re happy and you know it, then your face will surely show it
If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. (clap clap)

If you’re happy and you know it, stomp your feet (stomp stomp)
If you’re happy and you know it, stomp your feet (stomp stomp)
If you’re happy and you know it, then your face will surely show it
If you’re happy and you know it, stomp your feet. (stomp stomp)

If you’re happy and you know it, shout “Hurray!” (hoo-ray!)
If you’re happy and you know it, shout “Hurray!” (hoo-ray!)
If you’re happy and you know it, then your face will surely show it
If you’re happy and you know it, shout “Hurray!” (hoo-ray!)

If you’re happy and you know it, do all three (clap-clap, stomp-stomp, hoo-ray!)
If you’re happy and you know it, do all three (clap-clap, stomp-stomp, hoo-ray!)
If you’re happy and you know it, then your face will surely show it
If you’re happy and you know it, do all three. (clap-clap, stomp-stomp, hoo-ray!)

It sang this over and over and over again, despite the fact that I was clearly NOT happy. What was I supposed to do? I had just killed a woman, no, girl, wait, human-type thing.I mustered the remaining Invi Doll strength and pushed her still, lifeless body away from the coat. I had to get rid of the evidence somehow.

Basically, I ran, (as fast as I can, to the middle of nowhere, to the middle of my frustrated fears and I swear…) as fast as my little legs would carry me.
“Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consectetuer adipiscing elit. Donec at mi eu dolor bibendum volutpat. Nulla non nibh. Etiam a lorem. Etiam ullamcorper pellentesque ipsum. Cras cursus, elit ornare pretium rutrum, dolor mauris commodo ante, quis consequat ipsum ligula at dui. Nam ut augue. Nulla facilisi. Pellentesque hendrerit tellus eget mauris. Pellentesque dapibus pede. Nunc sed ligula id tellus fringilla adipiscing. Nam tempus dignissim turpis. Donec vel urna.

For the next month, I’ll be writing my NaNo novel on here, thereby killing two birds with one stone. I’m putting myself through NaBloPoMo again this month, so I’m determined to write every day for that.

Here goes…

We’re no strangers to love
You know the rules and so do I
A full commitment’s what I’m thinking of
You wouldn’t get this from any other guy

I just wanna tell you how I’m feeling
Gotta make you understand

Never gonna give you up
Never gonna let you down
Never gonna run around and desert you
Never gonna make you cry
Never gonna say goodbye
Never gonna tell a lie and hurt you

We’ve know each other for so long
Your heart’s been aching
But you’re too shy to say it
Inside we both know what’s been going on
We know the game and we’re gonna play it

And if you ask me how I’m feeling
Don’t tell me you’re too blind to see

Never gonna give you up
Never gonna let you down
Never gonna run around and desert you
Never gonna make you cry
Never gonna say goodbye
Never gonna tell a lie and hurt you

give you up. give you up
give you up, give you up
never gonna give
never gonna give, give you up
never gonna give
never gonna give, five you up

I just wanna tell you how I’m feeling
Gotta make you understand

Never gonna give you up
Never gonna let you down
Never gonna run around and desert you
Never gonna make you cry
Never gonna say goodbye
Never gonna tell a lie and hurt you

Never gonna give you up
Never gonna let you down
Never gonna run around and desert you
Never gonna make you cry
Never gonna say goodbye
Never gonna tell a lie and hurt you

Never gonna give you up
Never gonna let you down
Never gonna run around and desert you
Never gonna make you cry
Never gonna say goodbye
Never gonna tell a lie and hurt you

Katharine Cirrial was woken to the sound of this melody floating through her window. “What could this be?” she asked herself. Slowly she rose, grabbing her mudkip plushie off the floor.
As she made her way downstairs, she managed to trip over a salad finger. “Leave ME alone!” She began to cry.

She made her way into the kitchen, where various family members were sitting, eating cheeseburgers. “O hai there,” they greeted one another.

Eventually, she realised that there were no more cheeseburgers left for her. She whimpered, and cried, “I can haz cheeseburger?” Her sister, who had grabbed the last cheeseburger, bit into hers and eyed it with disgust. “DO NOT WANT!” she screamed, chucking the plate towards Katharine Cirrial.
“WANT!” Katharine Cirrial smiled happily, before nom nom nomming it all up.

After nom nom nomming her cheeseburger, she got up, and announced to her family, “I iz leaving nao.” Most of them didn’t look up, and only muttered, “Yeah, whatever. Kthxbaii ~~”

Katharine Cirrial grabbed her umbrella-ella-ella-ella-eh-eh-eh (under my umbrella-ella-ella-ella-eh-eh-eh, ooh, baby, it’s raining, raining…) and ran out of the house, where it was pouring with chocolate rain.

Chocolate Rain
Some stay dry and others feel the pain
Chocolate Rain
A baby born will die before the sin

Chocolate Rain
The school books say it can’t be here again
Chocolate Rain
The prisons make you wonder where it went

Chocolate Rain
Build a tent and say the world is dry
Chocolate Rain
Zoom the camera out and see the lie

Chocolate Rain
Forecast to be falling yesterday
Chocolate Rain
Only in the past is what they say

Chocolate Rain
Raised your neighborhood insurance rates
Chocolate Rain
Makes us happy ‘livin in a gate

Chocolate Rain
Made me cross the street the other day
Chocolate Rain
Made you turn your head the other way

(Chorus)
Chocolate Rain
History quickly crashing through your veins
Chocolate Rain
Using you to fall back down again
[Repeat]

Chocolate Rain
Seldom mentioned on the radio
Chocolate Rain
Its the fear your leaders call control

Chocolate Rain
Worse than swearing worse than calling names
Chocolate Rain
Say it publicly and you’re insane

Chocolate Rain
No one wants to hear about it now
Chocolate Rain
Wish real hard it goes away somehow

Chocolate Rain
Makes the best of friends begin to fight
Chocolate Rain
But did they know each other in the light?

Chocolate Rain
Every February washed away
Chocolate Rain
Stays behind as colors celebrate

Chocolate Rain
The same crime has a higher price to pay
chocolate Rain
The judge and jury swear it’s not the face

(Chorus)

Chocolate Rain
Dirty secrets of economy
Chocolate Rain
Turns that body into GDP
Chocolate Rain
The bell curve blames the baby’s DNA
Chocolate Rain
But test scores are how much the parents make

Chocolate Rain
‘Flippin cars in France the other night
Chocolate Rain
Cleans the sewers out beneath Mumbai
Chocolate Rain
‘Cross the world and back its all the same
Chocolate Rain
Angels cry and shake their heads in shame

Chocolate Rain
Lifts the ark of paradise in sin
Chocolate Rain
Which part do you think you’re ‘livin in?

Chocolate Rain
More than ‘marchin more than passing law
Chocolate Rain
Remake how we got to where we are

Whilst trying not to step in chocolate rain puddles, she managed to lose her mudkip in a grate. Although she tried very very very very hard to get it back, she was surprised by Joe the Plumber, who was like, “All ur base are belong to me now. I like mudkips. Do you like mudkips?”

“I like mudkips,” she whispered, but it was too late. He had already disappeared with her mudkip.

As she had failed to rescue her mudkip, she ran off, howling in the wind. “No one ken to ken to sivmen
nor yon clees toju maliveh, when I gez aju zavateh na nalechoo more, new yonooz tonigh molinigh, yon sorra shooo, yes ee shooo, ooo, Ken leeeee, tulibu dibu douchoo, Ken leeeee, tulibu dibu douchoo, Ken leeeee, ken lee meju more” she cried to herself.

Suddenly, she came across this tan mac, and this black polo neck that had been lying randomly on the floor. What could this be? As she moved closer, the melody that had woken her up earlier seemed to be getting louder and louder and louder and louder.

We’re no strangers to love
You know the rules and so do I
A full commitment’s what I’m thinking of
You wouldn’t get this from any other guy

I just wanna tell you how I’m feeling
Gotta make you understand

Never gonna give you up
Never gonna let you down
Never gonna run around and desert you
Never gonna make you cry
Never gonna say goodbye
Never gonna tell a lie and hurt you

We’ve know each other for so long
Your heart’s been aching
But you’re too shy to say it
Inside we both know what’s been going on
We know the game and we’re gonna play it

And if you ask me how I’m feeling
Don’t tell me you’re too blind to see

Never gonna give you up
Never gonna let you down
Never gonna run around and desert you
Never gonna make you cry
Never gonna say goodbye
Never gonna tell a lie and hurt you

give you up. give you up
give you up, give you up
never gonna give
never gonna give, give you up
never gonna give
never gonna give, five you up

I just wanna tell you how I’m feeling
Gotta make you understand

Never gonna give you up
Never gonna let you down
Never gonna run around and desert you
Never gonna make you cry
Never gonna say goodbye
Never gonna tell a lie and hurt you

Never gonna give you up
Never gonna let you down
Never gonna run around and desert you
Never gonna make you cry
Never gonna say goodbye
Never gonna tell a lie and hurt you

Never gonna give you up
Never gonna let you down
Never gonna run around and desert you
Never gonna make you cry
Never gonna say goodbye
Never gonna tell a lie and hurt you

The sound of Never Gonna Give You Up was irresistable. She longed to try on the black polo neck and the tan mac… As she reached out to touch it (bring it back, pay it, watch it, leave it, stop, format it), a very very very strong electric charge flew out of the black polo neck and tan mac, engulfing her.

It’s a shame her last words were, “Don’t tase me, bro!”